Hello Miracle..

Today I sat on the floor and cried. Hysterically. I wasn’t feeling well the past few hours. I cried because I swore my favorite cheese smelled like rotten eggs. My husband smelled the bag and said it smelled like cheese. Needless to say I lost it. Then he came behind my and rubbed my back, condemning the hormones. I sat on the floor bawling as I stuff my face with cheese cubes and mandarin oranges. 

New Years Eve I took a test on a whim and had a faint second line. 5 years of ttc and almost to the day of my very first miscarriage (12/27/2011). No way I thought. Told hubby and he didn’t believe it either. Took more tests in the coming days, all positives all growing darker with each passing day. Of course we became more excited, started shouting there’s two lines as it slowly set into our minds. The 5th I went in for a blood draw, it was at 532, definetly pregnant. What I am upset about is the doctor never wanted to check for doubling. Which caused myself much stress over the past week.

Long story short, I’m being labeled as high risk already. High BP, currently anemic, my kidney disease, and a currently UTI. I have several appointments of the upcoming months to be closely monitored. My stress is through the roof and we are trying to come up with a date for me to quit. This past week I started having chest pains at work to. This is in efforts to reduce my stress levels/heart rate and BP. Others are suggesting I quit now. The doctor hasn’t said to press forward but I feel as though it’s time.


Hubby on Clomid

My husband told me last night ever since he stopped taking clomid, he has just felt physically awful, mainly in the mornings. His energy during the day is lacking. I’m sure by now his T has dropped back down to low. However he lost all the (almost) 20 pounds he put on while on clomid for 8 months. We never found out if the sperm improved or not. We’re sticking with international adoption first and then by the time I am 35, we will do IVF w/ICSI. The best thing that ever happened to us was unfortunately finding out young that we have infertility. It’s been a long 5 years but we have our end game organized!


My first day of work, I got home and I was called to foster a baby. Long story short we’re caring for him, but we both think he will return to his mom. At first it didn’t seem that way, however things have changed. She’s doing very well and baby is to. After this little one leaves, we are going to discontinue our foster license. We think we will at least… It’s just too hard to continue to return child. It’s really heart wrenching. We’re going to convert full efforts to international adoption with Thailand. I’m trying to develop an idea to raise the money in addition to working. 

Decisions.. Decisions..

My husbands urologist still has not returned my husbands 3 calls. Unfortunately he can’t get time off to physically go there. So I have a feeling I’ll have to call and raise heck to get somewhere. Sometimes he’s just too blah about things. He needs to bring out the anger. One last SA shouldn’t be so damn hard to do!

We decided that we will turn to adoption first rather than IVF w/ICSI. After all it has a 40-60% chance of success and is costly. We are still young and in our mid-late 20s with male infertility only. No female family infertility. I’ve been checked so many times and many women in my family have had children naturally through thier 30s. 

We are currently foster parents and in the foster to adopt program. It’s been very exhausting and emotional. We do not believe this will currently progress further. It might happen but it is unlikely. Hubby has always wanted to adopt a special needs child but we both recognize we know, we are not ready yet for very moderate to severe medical issues. I think it shows great strength and understanding when you know you aren’t ready. After we’ve gone through that, we may return to fostering. 

We’re going to press onward with international adoption. I have always wanted to adopt internationally.We believe we will adopt from Thailand or Vietnam. Hubby is Vietnamese, maybe that will help with connection. Unlike most American couples, we’re not looking to “whitewash” a child. We may even choose to keep thier orginal name vs an Americanized one. We want culture and diversity within our family. We want to learn the language and traditions and and going to start learning after hubby and I have sign language down pat. We want to be world travels with our little one(s). After all, what’s life without exploration!

I start working in two days. I’m very excited!! I look at this with an end insight to add to our family, rather than I’m working for a moderate chance to birth a child (we do not fully trust in IVF). My husband will be 25 next year and we will find out where we are moving next, end of next year. So the game plan is to save, travel reasonably, and pay off credit debts. If we focus, we can afford all of international adoption before we leave Alaska for his new assignment!! Hopefully we will be able to apply for grants, awards and fundraisers along the way. 

Bit of a Rant..

​My husband had his final urology appointment about a week back, as we all decided to stop clomid and go for IVF w/ICSI. Last thing they needed to do was another SA to see if clomid had actually improved his sperm count. Of course they never entered the script to the lab. They takes days to return calls. They may be the best in Alaska but they sure as hell are running a shit show when it comes to infertility. We have been so frustrated with thier lack of care and knowledge. It’s exhausting and pathetic honestly.

Working on losing weight

Hubby and I have been working on losing weight. Preparing for our Hawaii trip and IVF w/ICSI. 

Last week hubby weighed 189. He is losing weight fast. I told him he would. He’s very active. He’s military, constantly working. He has a fitbit now and 3 days in a row he has 20K+ steps. Thats without much effort. I’m no competetion!

I always vary, sometimes greatly, so I go by inches. I just got my new fitbit so I’m still trying to balance things out. Plus I’m still recovering from surgery. I’m 2 month post op from a massive hemmoriodectomy and still not healed fully. I’ve improved a great deal! But I’m still hindered. End of this month, I take my 2 months after surgery, and starting to crack down more on fitness. It’s been hard since for 4 weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed. My goal is 140-150 overall but I’m looking for inches lost then focusing on strength building. So here’s my before!

Discussing female stuff!

This is not exactly growing family related. It is about periods! So if you can’t handle talking or reading about aunt flow, I suggest to stop reading here!

Many years ago, I stopped taking birth control. Like over 5 years ago, I stopped Depo Provera injections. While on it for almost 2 years, I gained weight, terrible mood swings, and worst of all developed an extremely heavy period and lots of cramping. So I’ve been combating extreme aunt flow for quite a few years. There is nothing wrong with me fertility wise. I develop a perfect lining every month, my body just rapidly expels the fluid. The worst part is, the blood clots. I often have very large clots and have spoken to the doctors many times about it. They have always said, “It’s ok”. My clots are often the size of a half dollar. That’s not ok.. Luckily over time the terrible cramps though have gone away. The first 3 days I normally double up on pads and tampons. If you are a heavy flow girl.. I understand your pain. Also every cycle, I develop irritation in my urethra, I believe from the tampons and pads. It’s every cycle like clockwork. I often have a UTI after my period.

Recently I stumbled across menstrual cups like diva and lunette (?). I searched and searched thinking, “No! That’s crazy. I’m not going to put a cup up there.” Yet here I am. I had so many questions.. 

How much blood do I really lose? 

Is it actually a heavy flow or am I crazy?

Could tampons be causing my blood clots?

Could the tampons or pads be causing my AF related UTIs and irritation?

Are there really chemicals in tampons and pads? Do we absorb them? (This I still don’t have a straight answer to so I’m rolling with yes, since materials are often treated with chemicals.)

How the fudge pops am I going to get it out?

Finally after my last cycle I figured.. Why not try it? So I bought the diva cup for  $22, size 1 pre-birth, as I’ve never given birth and I am under 30. I got my period a few days later so it came just in time, thank you amazon. I read alot of the ins and outs online and scoped out youtube for all the tips I could find as well. Like rotate the cup to check the seal, different fold types, cleaning, removal and so on. My own tip is… keep short nails!

I’m finishing up day 3, I have lost/counted 47.5mL of fluid lost. That’s not exactly heavy but it is higher then what some doctors may consider normal. Also I’m only on day 3 as I said BUT it’s almost the end of the day and my cup has had nothing in it for 6 hours. I haven’t had a single blood clot these 3 days either. Not one. My guess is the tampons were making them, by drying all of the liquid (including natural non-blood vajayjay fluids) leaving what’s left to coagulate and form those very large clots. I also have only had one day of irritation. That was after my use of a tampon because I was going out for the day and didn’t trust in the cup. Once it was time to change the tampon, I put back in the diva cup. Anything leak wise was because either I had just put the diva cup in or it was because it was full. It’s only been 3 days, but I don’t think I could ever go back to pad and tampons again. I’ll still use panty liners but pair them with my diva cup!

Urologist Check Up

His urologist appointment was today. The first thing they did was.. 

Guess what?

Draw blood!

*eye roll* 

So after discussing it with the Urologist, he agreed if the count hasn’t gone up and hubby is starting to feel unwell, then it’s time to stop using clomid to attempt to treat his male infertility. We all believe IVF w/ICSI may be our best treatment. We’re continuing on with saving for IVF w/ICSI but placing it into the back of our minds for now. The doctor told us he knows people who can get us in for trials to make it cheaper, and to let him know when we’re ready, but it’s a flight across country. We will see where we will be led next. 

We will still not use any protection and keep up with our wellness plans. He will have a semen analysis sometime next week. I will post those results and anything else I get in time. I’ll answer an questions if someone has them! He has been on clomid for 7 months now, so we have a good idea of the process.

Urologist Appointment Tomorrow

Tomorrow hubby will be having his urologist appointment. He’s beginning to feel unwell and is considering stopping the clomid for his male infertility. He should be having a semen analysis and bloodwork done sometime soon. The office was refusing to do either before his check up which makes no sense is our eyes. You should have results before you do a check up.

But so that is tomorrow. I should start working in September. We’re going to begin saving. We decided that we will save for about 5 years and then do IVF w/ICSI. We’ve spent our twenties trying to expand our family by either birth or by adoption. We’re not sure if we want to roll into our 30s with still struggling to do one single, should be simple thing. We’d rather place it into the back of our minds, for now at least and enjoy life a bit. We shall see.

Here we go..

Had an interview today and I think it went very well. I was told if chosen, I’d start at $12 build to $15, and likely work 20-40 a week. Which is perfect especially since I can walk to the building and won’t need to buy a car. So if I work at least 20 hours a week, then next year this time, we might have our IVF w/ICSI fund filled. At a military treatment facility, IVF w/ICSI is running just under 8K currently. Hubbies urologist needs to be pushed back, they called to reschedule go figure. Hopefully still by the end of August we will know if clomid worked for him!! Again he’s been on clomid for 7 full months.